The Lows of Life

Today when I was on Facebook I noticed that Rick's status said "dealing with the lows of life." It made me sad. But it also reminded me that we are both feeling pretty low right now. So many things seem to be going wrong for us right now. It just feels like we can't catch our breath. Almost like we're drowning. The ship is sinking with us on board.

One of the biggest lows Rick is dealing with is his work schedule. He really hates the shift changes he is dealing with at work. It is especially frustrating for me to watch him struggle due to all the crazy different hours he has been working. This past weekend was really rough on him. He had to work at noon one day and then turn around with less than a day in between and work at midnight. That caused him to spend all day on Halloween suffering with a terrible headache. He hardly got any sleep, I am talking like maybe 2 hours. It would be hard for a healthy person to work like that, but for someone that is not healthy it is unbearable. My PSC peeps understand the fatigue that comes with having PSC. So to already deal with that type of fatigue and then add in ridiculous shift changes is very hard on the body.

And then today he was told that the store manager likes having him at the store in the evenings and wants to keep him on this crazy @$$ schedule. (sorry for the language, I am just really pissed) That is NOT fair. The manager said he wants the new person to work Rick's shift and keep Rick with the screwed up shifts. Rick has worked there for 16 years and now is being treated terribly. For someone who said that they want what's best for Rick they sure are screwing him over. So the lesson here would be that working hard only gets you screwed with!

I just want to runaway, but I know that won't help. But I just need a break. I have been trying to hand all this over to God but I am not good at that. It has just been such a hard year. I feel broken somehow. Like I am not the same person anymore. I just don't care as much about some things anymore. I really don't care if my house is organized. I really don't care if everything is picked up and put away. I just really don't feel like the same person. And it makes it worse when those little things are pointed out to me. Like I don't know that things in my house aren't the same. Like things in my life aren't the same. They're not. And now I have to learn how to embrace the new me. I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to go back to the old me. And for those people that don't accept this as me now, well then they just don't have any idea what this last year has done to me.

I really do want to feel happy again. But this time of year is really hard to deal with when I don't have the finances to enjoy it. I look at my girls and feel sad that I can't do the things with them that they want to do. I do hope that they know how very much I love them. And how sorry I am that they don't get to do all things they want to do.

Oh goodness, I am really pathetic. Sorry.

Jaime