The two words that really sum up how I have been feeling is frustration and exhaustion. I am tired. Really, really tired. It could be from all the running around with kids and their activities. It could be from working. It could be from traveling with Rick to the band competitions. But it could also be from my depression. Yes, I take medicine for depression. I admit it because I am not embarrassed by it. It has been a rough couple years and so I got depressed. I am feeling a bit like I am having some more depression. Which would help to answer the tired question.
Frustration is also a big part of the exhaustion. I am frustrated with so many parts of my life right now. Frustrated with Rick's work schedule. After 16 years of working for the same company his hours are being screwed with and he goes from working 12:30pm -9:00pm to working 12:30am-9:00am. That not only screws up him, it screws up our whole family. And I worry about what that severe change to his system will do to his health.
As I am sure you have been aware I am frustrated with my kids. We have been battling with them to pick up their rooms, show respect to each other, and to stop destroying the house. By destroying I mean that they write on the walls, furniture, and basically disrespect our things. It has reached a boiling point that is about to boil over into complete disarray. They have not been showing us respect, and have been showing a complete lack of responsibility. Yes my expectations are for 6 and 9 year olds. I do realize they are just kids, but this is out of hand. And it makes me sick to see this happening in our family. I feel like I have tried so many different tactics that have all failed. I don't want to be a failure to my kids. I want them to grow up with awesome memories, not memories of always being yelled at. I don't want to yell at them, I try to avoid it as much as possible. But I just don't know what to do anymore.
That is the biggest problem that I face everyday. The girls are always fighting with each other. I am feeling like a terrible mother, like I must have done something wrong. This is not how I want our family dynamic. I am so frustrated and saddened by how things are going right now.
The second biggest frustration is the financial situation we are in right now. It has been a rough couple years and it is really hard to try to feel like I'm not drowning. All these things are not good for our marriage either. We are lucky to have formed such a close bond over the past few years. But sometimes life gets in the way and right now I am not feeling that bond as strongly which breaks my heart.
These are the reasons that I haven't been blogging much lately. I don't feel like I have anything positive to say. I have had a really hard time thinking of things to write. Nobody wants to keep reading depressing blog posts. And I really want to be funny or witty, so that is why I have been avoiding the blog. My goal is to get this all turned around now that our crazy schedule of activities is slowing down. We have a long winter ahead of us, which means a lot of time stuck together in the house. And it is going to suck if I can't get things turned around.
I am going to give it my all. I want a strong, loving family. I don't want to be frustrated and exhausted anymore!
Until next time,
Jaime
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Don't be so hard on yourself... sometimes life kicks you in the butt. Give yourself a second to have a good cry, and then pull yourself up by your boot straps and go tackle life again.
-- Stephanie from Dallas
*hugs*
I'm here if you need to talk and vent!! only doing one day a week so far at work..so I have plenty of time to listen!
My own opinion is that you blog what you want to blog about..whether or not it is good or bad. Forget about what you think your readers want to read..you should always blog what's inside you..many ppl have told me that blogging is very theraputic to the soul..just to let it out is better than keeping it in and letting it build til you explode!
Sounds like you are having a rough time. Keep in mind that depression can color your view of everything. It can cause you to be dragged down by things that wouldn't bother you much if you were in a different frame of mind. You can't necessarily change that, but try to remember it as you go about your days and maybe it can change how you react to various things. I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but I would urge you to pray about this problem. God may not take away your depression immediately (but then again, he might!), but he can help you to get through it. There are better days ahead. Your kids won't be kids forever. The fighting will end some day. Some of their misbehavior might also be a response to the stress you are all under. It doesn't go without its effects on the kids. Just do your best to be strong, but don't be afraid to seek help when you need it. This too shall pass....
--Linda, Wichita, KS
Ok... I can feel your frustration through your blog. I want to tell you that you should feel free to blog and write what you want. I KNOW blogging makes you feel better, SO BLOG AWAY! I think the first thing you should do is think about the positive things you have done. You are an awesome wife. You have stood by Rick during difficult times. You are an inspiration to so many of us.
Next, the girls are going through stages right now. Unfortantly they are going through different ones together. Their behavior is NOT a reflection on your ablility as a mother. I could give you so many suggestions to help you through this time, but every child is different. I could tell you what worked with myself and my girls, but it might make it worse. I believe the more honest you are with them the better. If you share your raw feelings about the way they are behaving (Sam definitly), then that might make a difference. You could even get someone else (outside the family) to explain how their behavior hurts their family.
Overall, remember that YOU ARE HUMAN... No house is perfect. You have plenty of us out there in blog land that are willing to hear you. If you need to just vent, you have my number.
I love you... Please hang in there.
I'm sorry your going throuh a rough time right now. When I'm feeling really low and depressed, my friend Melody always reminds me of what I need to do. It has worked for me, so I thought I'd share her advise with you. I hope it will help you too. It goes something like this.... "You need to sit down and have a really good talk with yourself ASAP! Please don't underestimate what you've been throuh these past few years. Your experiences have required a enormous amount of extra energy and of course you are tired. You are an amazing person and have become a inspiration to me.
Please be kind to yourself. Also, don't forget to take care of yourself. I know it's usually eaiser said than done, but you have to try."
And whatever you do.... please don't stop blogging when you feel depressed. Maybe it's a good outlet for you to vent. Nobody should have to go throuh the dark spots alone. I hope you feel the support we're sending and that it brightens you day!
Be well my new friend, you and your family are in my prayers.
Post a Comment