I am starting to feel the physical pain of stress. Lately I have had indigestion after I eat. I was chatting with my BFF Jackie and she said it was probably stress. It probably is. What do I have to be stressed about? The likelihood of my 5 year old daughter having ADD/ADHD? The probable back surgery for Rick? Our financial situation? The uncertainty of Rick's health? I just have come to a point where it is all just so over whelming. I have trouble even deciding what to write on here and how to word it. I have no energy to deal with the Christmas tree that is still in my living room. It takes all that I have to roll myself out of bed in the morning. I just wish that I could snap my fingers and make it all go away. snap, snap, snap......
I finally, after almost a week, received a call back from the doctor's office that did Rick's injection. The coordinator said she spoke with the doctor and he said he thought another injection would do the trick but that he would have to deal with the after headache again. That contradicts what he said when Rick was laying on the table. He told us that he didn't think that it would work for Rick and asked if we had been to a surgeon yet. And two weeks later Rick is back to the same amount of pain he was in before the injection. But now he thinks one more time will do the trick. Kinda makes one wonder, doesn't it? We are very interested in what the surgeon will have to say next week. And if the surgeon thinks that surgery is not the way to go then Rick will try another injection.
For me it is so hard to think about what is going to happen next. I wish the appointment wasn't more than a week away. I have a tendency to live in my head. I don't know how else to explain it. But I am always thinking and wondering. I don't mean to do it, it is just always there. It is so hard to be the one watching and waiting.
The emotional toll that all of this takes weighs on me. I have a hard time focusing on the girls sometimes because I just want to spend time with Rick. That takes a toll on me too because then I feel guilty about not being a good enough mom. But I just want to spend time with my husband too. I enjoy being with him. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being the girls too. I am with them so much more than I am with Rick. And I want to spend time with him too. I wish that others could understand how I feel.
Wow I sound really pathetic. I think it is time to go to bed.
Until next time,
Jaime
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3 comments:
Hello. I'm new to this but when I read what you wrote about being stressed and wanting to spend time with your husband and also your children I just had to figure out how to send a comment. I totally understand what you are talking about. My husband has PSC as well as ulcerative colitis and inflammatory bowel diesease. I know how it feels to be needed by your husband and two small children. Don't ever feel like you are a bad mother because the kids even though they are small and you don't think they understand, they understand more than you give them credit and they look at you and see how you take care of their daddy. So when they grow up they too will know how important it is to take care of each other.
I've been following your blog for a few weeks in my search to find someone who is going through the same thing we are. I would love to find out more from you about your trip to the Mayo clinic as we are thinking about taking that journey as well. I do not have my own blog. Maybe someday in the near future. We've known about PSC since 2000 when my husband was diagnosed after his blood work showed elevated liver enzymes. He is now battling severe abdominal pain of which the doctors have yet to find where it is coming from.
Thank you so much for sharing your story on your blog. It really is nice to see there are other people out there and I like your idea of a disease mentor.
Toni- Please feel free to email me at megasam1@hotmail.com. I would love to talk with you.
I think Jackie is right -- stress can definitely take a toll on your body. Overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe your load right now, Jaime. Stress is normal under these circumstances, though.
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