I have been having a hard time with the realization that life somehow has to get back to normal. I know I blogged about this about a week ago but I haven't been able to shake the feeling that things just aren't normal for me. Granted I am still recovering from surgery. My body is still trying heal and readjust. But I can't wrap my mind around returning to normal.
I feel like I am not the same as I was before February 25th. I don't think I will ever be quite the same. I don't think I will ever be able to look at Rick without thinking about the fact that I thought I was going to lose him that horrible night in February. And that my husband has had a surgery that has changed the rest of his life.
I have been grappling with all of this for a while now. I feel like I have changed, but on the outside one would never know. People look at us while we are out running errands and they have no idea what we have been through. I am glad that we aren't getting sympathy looks, but I wish that somehow on the outside it looked like how I felt on the inside.
I have a husband that has an uncertain future. A man that basically looks healthy on the outside but is very sick on the inside.
I have been forever changed by the events of the last two months. And I don't know how to define my new normal. Please bare with me.
Until next time,
Jaime
Monday, May 4, 2009
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5 comments:
You guys have through it all. Such strength and courage.
I understand so much of what you are going through. I've been there with my husband too and it is so hard. I don't fool myself to believe that I have it worse than anyone, especially not worse than my husband, but what we go through as a caretaker and mom (at the same time!) is so tough.
I think that you are much like me, in that you constantly put on a strong face to the outside, because in the end you really don't have a choice but to go on in life. However, people sometimes confuse that with the notion that this doesn't effect you at all - that you are just fine with cards that you have been dealt. It doesn't help when for all intents, Rick and my husband both "appear" to be healthy to the common eye. Unless you know their health struggles, a random person would not notice how "uncertain" their future is.
Do I sometimes have big old pity parties? Yes. And I don't apologize for them - my feelings are very real. I know there are people that are in way, way worse situations out there, but that doesn't change the fact that for whatever reason, that day, the weight of all of this comes crushing down on me. And on those days, I wish that someone would look past the normal outside and see that there is a lot of hurt and pain that goes on inside when dealing with such an awful disease.
I understand completely. We're coming up on Brendan's next ERCP and I am scared to death that he'll end up in the emergency room with pancreatitis again, just like last time. Yet anytime I try to talk it out to someone they just comment on how they are so proud of me that I stay so strong. What do you say then, when you know that is so far from the truth?
I'm sending you big hugs...
Jaime, don't worry about any negativity. This is your blog, and you are free to talk about whatever you choose. Don't bother explaining yourself to anyone. You know yourself, you know the truth. And if someone thinks you are self centered, let them. Who cares? You shouldn't.
I am sure that if you wanted advice on life, you would have asked for it. ;)
Shawnee
Although I somewhat understand what Trev is trying to say (not the self-centered part)the point is: this is YOUR blog. You should be able to write about whatever you want.
Sending hugs your way.
hi. I popped over from Erins blog. I loved the post that she did for you.....and I totally agree with everything she said.
(I live in Eastern Washington too BTW)
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