I know that we are supposed to be relaxing at the lake but I just can't. I am having a really hard time since coming home from Mayo. I have been very emotional and all I want to do is just go back so that they can make Rick better. The possibility of adding more problems to the mix is driving me crazy. I am just so sad I can hardly take it. I look at Rick and think how can he possibly be so sick? And I am serious when I say that I better not hear anyone else say he doesn't look sick. That is the problem with all of this. He is so sick on the inside but doesn't look it from the outside.
I feel like I am going nuts waiting for test results. Rick finished the "pee" test today and we had it sent out to Mayo. I don't know how long it will take to hear back from them about that. I hope it doesn't take too long. That is the test that is going to tell us if there is copper in the urine. If there is we will probably be heading back to Mayo soon for a liver biopsy. I have made the decision that it is more important to get Rick good medical treatment than to have money. I don't know how we will continue to pay for our trips to Mayo but I know that he needs to go there for treatment.
I feel like I had so much inner strength when Rick really needed me to last week, but this week I am falling apart. I didn't realize how much energy it took to be strong for him and now I am exhausted and feel like I have been through the ringer. I can't believe he handles this so well. I am just scared that I will lose him to all of this. I don't know what I would do without him. I am just not strong enough to deal with all of this. I wish there was a way to fix it all now so that we can move on with our lives.
I know I must sound so pathetic. I am just teetering on the edge right now and I need to take a step back before I fall off. Please understand that I am not myself if you see me. I just need some time to absorb all that has taken place and figure out how to go from here. I love Rick so much. He is so wonderful to me and I am just so lucky to have him as my husband. I just want to hold on to him and never let go.
I hope that you will continue to keep us in your prayers. We both need them, even if Rick says he is fine.
I am going to head back to the lake this evening. Hopefully I will be able to start enjoying it a little bit more.
Until next time,
Jaime
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6 comments:
Dear Jaime,
You must not think you are "super human" and all along with this task you face on a daily basis. It is a normal reaction to your stress and anxiety. If you "beat yourself up" you will not be helpful to the girls or Rick.
You are a beautiful girl and can do this. Yes, dear, it is easy for us "others" to say this but we also know you can do it.
God's will does live in you and you can carry on with His help and prayers. He and "we" don't expect you to be a perfect example of "acceptance" of anything from "soup to nuts".
Do live One Say At A Time; you all can live that one day at a time together as a unit.
Love You All,
Linda and Tom
Jaime:
Hang in there, girl! You can do this and you will. Use the Lord as your sword and shield right now. Let him fight the fight and sheild you from it right now. Take the much needed rest time that has been provided to you and Rick. The rest will come in time. Enjoy what time you have left at the lake and treasure the memories you will be making for a lifetime right now.
Love, Sally Reynolds
Jaime....
I know things are tough right now. No one is expecting you to be strong 24/7... You are doing an awesome job. :)
You have so many people around you that are there for you. Lean on them when you can.
I love you, and pray and think of you more than you will ever know. I hope you know how special you, Rick and the girls are to me. Keep your chin up, and don't be so down on yourself.
I love You
Jackie
This is going to sound really weird, but please remember to breathe. You will let out so much of your stress and be able to think so much more clearly if you take some time and consciously think about taking deep breaths.
You do not sound weak, whiny or otherwise bad. You sound like a wife who is holding it together and has found a safe place to let go for a little while. Your ability to let go on this blog is such a wonderful gift to yourself. Don't feel that you need to stay strong for your readers - I don't know about anyone else, but I read so that I know how to pray for you. If you are anything less than honest, then you are cheating yourself. Also, remember, that you have to be honest with your family and let them know what you need to be able to help them. You are not walking an easy road, but please know that there are those of us out here that you have not even met that keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Jaime,
You have no idea who I am but I am compelled to write. I was a childhood friend of Rick. Your Mother-in-law and my Mom are very good friends and that is how I was given your blog. My Mom is Judy Sweitzer. I have read from the begining and am amazed at how well you are holding up. I am familiar with Crones Disease and the horrible effects it has on a person....and a family. You have a gift called the present and you have done everything you can to relish every moment, continue with that and we will keep you and Rick as welll as the kids in our prayers. A lifetime has passed since I have seen Rick but I still laugh everytime I am at a railroad crossing waiting for a train to pass!! He may know what I mean....not sure if he can still do that trick!lol
Sincerely,
Michele Bostic (Shelley Sweitzer)
Yes you are strong enough! Make sure to get in touch with me when you return.
Erin
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