But you look fine

If I hear one more person say "but he looks fine" I'm going to scream. I was very proud of Rick the other day when he had to have a conversation with two people that don't understand and kept saying that he looked fine. He kept his composure and just nodded along, all the while just wishing they would stop.

We have been very lucky that our immediate family has an understanding of what Rick's health conditions do to him. And I know there are others out there that understand as well. But for the few that pretend like they do, but really don't, that is where it gets difficult. I can always tell when someone is pretending to "get it" and are just going along with the conversation. That is probably the most hurtful thing to me. Just because he may not appear to be sick, does not mean he is fine. I mean, do you really think we would go to all the trouble of going to Mayo if he was fine?

Rick is really good at hiding how he is really feeling. There are many times that even I don't know how he really feels. Just about two weeks ago he had a migraine and still went to a family dinner. Nobody there even knew he had a migraine. Now I don't know about anyone else but when I have a migraine I can hardly function. He gets up every morning and goes to work no matter how he feels. And when he is there I know he tells everyone that he is fine even when he is not. I could tell stories about how sick he has been at work before, but I won't. The thing about having crohn's and PSC is that you can't see it. It is not visible to the naked eye. He has always been skinny, so he doesn't really look any different. If you were to look into his eyes you would notice that they are yellow, but other than that there are no outward signs. And that is why I think some people think he is fine.

Rick doesn't want anyone feeling sorry for him and making a fuss over him. And I don't blame him for that. He wants to just live like everyone else. But sometimes it can get hard to deal with the stupid people that don't understand.

I have been attending church recently and have always been a believer. I pray everyday and pray with the kids as well. But to have someone suggest that by praying enough it will heal itself is just ludicrous. That by following a certain diet and avoiding certain things, that it will all just go away is beyond me. If that was true there would be no cancer, no death. I do believe that by praying and following a healthy lifestyle it will improve life, and help stabilize the disease. But to say to someone with a chronic illness that if they just close their eyes and pray it will all just go away is so hard for me to deal with. I mean don't you think I have tried that already? My grandma tells me that she prays for Rick every night. So do I. But that won't make this all go away. It does however, make it easier for me.

The girls learn bible verses in Sunday School every week. One week the verse hit home to me and I have kept it memorized and say it all the time. It is a children's version of it, so it is simplified. Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Phillipians 4:6. I found the long version and have that written down and look at it often. It just spoke to me and I feel it helps me when I catch myself very anxious about all of this.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with this post. That was not my intention. Rick and I just had a long conversation tonight about this. He was telling me about the other day when he had to listen to the two people give him advice on how to heal himself, and how that made him feel. I am certain that they meant well, but it was still hurtful. I do have to trust that God is in control of all of this and that He will guide us in the right direction. And I know it will all work out the way it is supposed to in the end. It just makes it hard to hear "but he looks fine."

Until next time,
Jaime