My Feelings

To read about how the day turned out check out my previous post.

While waiting for Rick to have his bloodwork done this morning I felt very overwhelmed and decided to write my feelings down. I wanted to capture how I was feeling more for myself than for anyone else but I want to post it here so that I have it later. So this is what I wrote at 8:30 this morning:

I can't believe we are here. This is so unbelievable. I feel like I am living someone else's life. I don't want to accept the reality of my husband having a life threatening illness. I want it all to just go away. I want to live the life I thought we would have. Don't get me wrong. I will do whatever I have to to keep Rick here with me. But my stomach feels like it is in my throat. My hands are shaking. How did I get here? How did my hard working husband get here? Why us? Why Rick? I know I need to trust God is looking out for us, but it is so hard. I never imagined I would be in a waiting room at the Mayo Clinic. I can't believe that we are the couple that people look at and feel sorry for. My husband is my soul mate, he can't be sick. This isn't what I had planned. This isn't what I dreamed of. I also never dreamed I would love him this much. This has created a bond between us that we never would have had. But nevertheless I still wish this wasn't happening. I certainly never thought Rick's first plane trip would be to Mayo. I thought it would be to Disney with the kids. I worry that some people just don't understand what this all means. I don't want anyone thinking we came out here for fun. Granted we had a couple nice days but today is not fun. Sitting here waiting is not fun. Worrying and thinking what next is not fun. Watching Rick struggle is not fun. I know he hides so much so he can continue to look strong. I wonder if he is as scared as I am. I wonder what he is thinking while he is waiting in the other room. I wonder if he feels like this experience is just a dream and he will wake up any minute. I feel like that. I feel like I am in someone else's life right now. I miss my kids, I miss my husband, I miss our old life. It breaks my heart to see him going through this. I just love him so much!

Reading that made me sad. I feel so helpless sometimes. I want to be strong but right now I feel so weak. I will get through this and look back and realize I was stronger than I thought I was. Rick is so strong. He doesn't show weakness. Does he have weakness? I wish I could look at this through his eyes and see what he sees. I hope he doesn't see how weak I feel. I hope he doesn't see the tears in my eyes I am trying to hide.